My seven year old is an intelligent child very engaged with learning about the world. He likes to hear about interesting things and often even tells me things that I didn’t know! However, he tends to shy away from doing or learning anything that he cannot master right away. It is not that he is lazy — he is very active and participates in many activities — but he simply doesn’t want to put in the effort to struggle through something rewarding that he can’t get the hang of immediately.
His father and I are both over-achieving, “type A” personalities and we are torn between letting him find his own way without pushing him and concern that lack of perseverance will be a very damaging life long trait. Already, his lack of concentrated effort has prevented him from really participating in sports and other challenging activities and he quickly gets frustrated with reading that pushes his limits, or learning new skill-based games. How can we encourage him to not shy away from challenge and to push himself to achievements that don’t come easily or naturally so that he can continue to grow, master new things, and achieve his full potential?
With Thanks,
Type A Mom in Westchester
Dear Type A,
It is important to realize that your child may not be “Type A” like his parents. While you may see this as undesirable, there are many good side affects to being “Type B”. Your son may enjoy less stress, better health and a more relaxed lifestyle. There are many successful people who would not be considered “Type A”.
That being said, I do believe that all children should be guided a little to learn how to work through a challenge. It is by doing this over and over again that we gain self-esteem and learn new skills. In order to help your son I believe that you should neither push him to persevere nor let him totally collapse into the path of least resistance.
It sounds like your son would rather not try at all then try and fail. Start discussing winning and losing in general terms. Let him know that just getting involved is wonderful and you don’t expect him to win all the time. This is a lesson that will have to be repeated many times. To reinforce this, play lots of games, but don’t let him win or loose all the time.
Another way to help your child get more enthusiastic about new activities is to break up tasks into baby steps over a long haul. Let’s say he shows an interest in rock climbing, but when he tries it he realizes it is hard and chooses to abstain. Think about what skills he needs to accomplish the task and then try to get him just to do one step. If he does it, give him lots of praise and call it a day. Keep up with that one step until you think he is able to move comfortably onto the next step. Another way to help him build self esteem is to start with something he can do then try to up the anti with a baby step. The key is to keep the task simple and manageable. The more he realizes he can do the baby steps, the higher his self-esteem will go, the more willing he will be to accept the next challenge.