Less is more.
If one could replay the comments made toward our children daily, it would sound something like this: Don’t touch that! Stop it! Do you want a timeout! I said don’t touch that! Stop banging your leg! Fix your shirt! Stop eating with your fingers! Stop yelling! Clean up your room! Finish your peas! Stop hitting your brother! Get the idea? Most children hear negative and controlling comments all day. After a while they simply tune it all out. Wouldn’t you? Try not to over-correct them. It’s OK to let some infractions go. If you back off a little, they’ll take you seriously when you have a truly meaningful comment or correction.
Give as much praise as possible
Now that the over-parenting has been exposed, we should take the time to remember to praise. Children generally hear way more negative than positive. Take a minute to think about how many times today you said “Thank you!” or “Great job!” or You’re a wonderful child!” or “I am so proud of you!” Odds are not as often as you would have guessed. Make a conscious decision to praise each child at least five times per day. You will feel good about it–and your child will eat it up.
Don’t lose your temper or yell
Ok, at least try really hard not to. Instead of helping your child change their behavior, such anger only has the opposite impact. You don’t end up feeling any better, the problem is usually not solved, and you lower your child’s self esteem with every mean spirited comment. Try to be familiar with your signs of a potential anger eruption and then go to the other room, email a friend, take a deep breath, whatever calms you down. Even just recognizing the feeling that you are about to lose it helps you control your temper.
Be consistent
Children are like little computers that can remember the one time you were tired and let them watch T.V. before dinner or gave them a snack at 5:30. It is very hard to be consistent and unrealistic to think you will always be that way. However, it is best to try to keep the same rules so children can adjust. They will test you constantly if they know there is a possibility you might cave and give them what they want if they badger enough.
Have realistic expectations for your child’s age
Out of frustration or lack of knowledge, parents can sometimes think of their children as little adults or older or more capable than they really are. Children can’t live up to these expectations, which frustrates the parent and in turn frustrates the child. Remember your child’s limitations and don’t expect more. Encourage them to learn new skills of course, but not in the middle of the third hour of errands or when rushing to get to preschool.
Set your children up for success
Implementing a plan that your children cannot possibly live up to can cause feelings of anger and failure. For example, if your children can’t sit together for five minutes without fighting, don’t offer them a treat in exchange for perfect behavior on a 200-mile car ride to grandma’s. They can’t possibly pull it off. Instead, try to get them to cooperate with each other for 10 minutes. If that works, make it 15 minutes. Then 30. With each goal met, they will feel an immense sense of accomplishment. If you set too high of an expectation, they will not meet it, you will be disappointed and frustrated, and they will not have gained anything either. Children learn by giving them challenges that are just above their skill level. Sometimes they rise up to the challenge, sometimes they don’t. Praise their effort anyway and let them have another try.
Take it one step at a time.
I believe that all bad habits or issues can usually be resolved within two weeks of consistent behavior modification. That said, it is impossible (and down right confusing) to change everything at once. Pick a major issue and start there. Remember that sometimes situations can get worse before they get better. Very devoted little testers will try absolutely every avenue to get what they want. It can sometimes take a while before they see that you really mean business and you won’t be deterred. So, make sure when you see your child doing the unwanted behaviors even more, you don’t give up. That is your proof that your child sees the change in you. Keep it up and you will see a dramatic change in your child too.
Children need boundaries.
You are not an unloving parent if you set rules and guidelines for how your children should behave and act. Children feel safe and secure when there are rules and boundaries. (Granted, that doesn’t mean that they don’t try every second to find a crack in the rule). Providing structure for your children not only offers them security, but it prepares them for a world full of rules and regulations. It is your job to put structure in place, and it is their job to test it to make sure it is real. This is safe testing that they can do without major consequences. When they get older the consequences become increasingly harsh. Help them learn early that rules exist and are there for a reason.
Don’t over-protect your children.
I don’t mean let them play in traffic but let them learn from their mistakes. Children need to feel frustration, anger, failure and a wide range of emotions to learn how to work through them. This is actually a learned skill. If you rush in to appease, protect or save your children from every undesirable feeling they won’t learn how to handle life’s every day challenges. You can oftentimes help them more in the long run by stepping back and watching them closely.
Give your children an unexpected treat.
Sometimes for no apparent reason put a Hershey kiss in your child’s lunch box, go for ice cream after school, play in the rain. HAVE FUN. It helps repair and strengthen a relationship. If your child always has to work up to a treat or has been experiencing nothing but time outs and negative attention, he/she may lose interest in behaving better. Both of you will benefit from the time. And your child won’t forget it.