Sexy Songs and a Son’s Diary
Dear Family Coach
Dear Family Coach: My 8-year-old kid loves Katy Perry songs, which are seemingly all about sex. However, we’ve been innocently singing along in the car and having a blast. Well, that is until recently, when I heard her singing about a menage a trois in public. My husband and I were mortified. Do I have to put an end to this, and if so, how? — Katy Fan’s Mom
Dear Mom: On a scale of inappropriate, your daughter belting out potentially racy lyrics rates about a four on a 10-point scale. Sure, it would likely make some older folks uncomfortable to hear your little lady squealing sexual innuendos and sex talk. But that’s more about them than your daughter. She doesn’t know what she is saying.
For as long as there has been radio, there have been artists who make adults blush. Millions of teenagers swooned over a gyrating Elvis, much to their parents’ chagrin. A generation later, it was Prince’s “Darling Nikki” and Michael Jackson’s “Dirty Diana” that horrified concerned adults. And yet, in the scheme of life, none of this really matters. Kids can enjoy music and unabashedly yell out wildly inappropriate lyrics and still avoid becoming sex addicts.
It’s nearly impossible to shield your child from all of this music, even if you so wish. If you and your daughter are enjoying a popular song that is played on the radio, I don’t see a problem continuing your car-singing tradition. In fact, song lyrics can help parents begin difficult conversations on a wide range of topics. In this case, sex, consent and gender identity can all be discussed in an age-appropriate way.
Dear Family Coach: I recently found my teenage son’s diary, and, regrettably, I read some of it. In one entry, he talks about stealing some money from his father. In another, he speaks very disparagingly about some of the girls in his class. I’m truly horrified. But if I confront him, he’ll know I read the diary. What should I do? — Mistaken Mom
Dear Mistaken: I’m guessing from your moniker you have realized your blunder. Diaries are for the writer, not for the potential reader. Your son composes his thoughts and feelings in sometimes crude ways because he can express himself on paper in ways he never could in person. Writing is an outlet, one that I’m sure helps him manage some of his feelings.
Think about your childhood. Would you have wanted your parents to know your every thought, feeling and action? I doubt it. Kids sometimes make mistakes. They aren’t always nice, and they often make questionable choices. But trial and error, imposed natural consequences and unpleasant feelings often teach kids how to behave in the future. Your son’s diary is a place for him to work all of that out. It’s for him, not for you to use as a parenting tool.
So, what should you do now? Do nothing, not a darn thing. You should never have opened his diary. While it takes an enormous degree of self-control and strength, it is worth the effort. You can’t unknow something you read. And unless you have a grave concern about his safety or the safety of others, you have no right to sneak a peek. Discussing your findings with your son will anger him immensely. He will be distrustful and become more secretive than ever. The worst outcome is you might ruin his outlet for him. Find other ways to engage your son, and leave his diary out of it.
Dr. Catherine Pearlman is the author of “Ignore It! How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction.” To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.