Snooping Mistakes and a Pesky Pacifier

by admin | Mar 24, 2018 | Dear Family Coach

Snooping Mistakes and a Pesky Pacifier
Dear Family Coach

Dear Family Coach: My 16-year-old daughter tells us nothing about her life. So when she goes to bed, I sometimes browse through her cellphone. At first I just noticed typical teenage girl gossip. But then I read about a boy she likes and is trying to attract by wearing tight clothing and sending him racy Snapchats. How can I address this with her without telling her that I’ve been on her phone? — Snooper

Dear Snooper: Stop snooping right now. Your daughter chooses not to share her life with you. It would be helpful to figure out why. Is she just private, or is she worried about the potential lectures she will get if she tells you anything? Either way, I can guarantee she will be even less likely to share her life details once she finds out you’ve been snooping. Furthermore, once you read or see something upsetting, you can’t unknow it. That’s the danger. You don’t know what you will find, or even how to handle it.

Whenever I tell parents to quit reading texts and private correspondence between young people, they inevitably tell me they have no choice. Sometimes they fear drugs or sex or some other ill. Other times they are just desperate for some type of connection to their distant teenager. But these actions only erode trust even further.

Instead of eavesdropping, parents should just talk to their kids about their concerns. So if you are worried about drugs and sex promiscuity, then talk to your kid about those issues regardless of whether or not you read about it on the cellphone. Use stories from the news to help bring up an issue in a timely manner. If your child is closed off and hard to reach, then slow down, and try to find something your teen enjoys and do it with her. Bottom line: Reach out to your daughter honestly and genuinely, without being a snooper.

Dear Family Coach: Our daughter loves her pacifier. We tried to get rid of it when she was 2 years old, but she threw such violent tantrums that we gave it back. Now she’s 3 1/2 and totally dependent on the pacifier when she’s upset during the day and to sleep at night. We know we have to pull it, but how can we do it with the least amount of pain (for her and us)? — Panicked Parents

Dear Parents: You have good reason to panic. Your daughter adores her little binky. It gives her comfort. It helps her sleep and keeps her calm when she is having a hard time. Plus, you’ve already tried and failed to take it away, so you know she will put up quite a fight.

But don’t dip too far into the pit of despair. This issue can be conquered with some tenacity and consistency. Pick a date on the calendar that will be known as bye-bye binky day. Let your daughter know three days before. On the morning of the designated day, get the pacifiers out of the house. Cut them up; dump garbage on them; or mail them away. Just get rid of them so there is no danger of giving them back if you get weak. Your daughter will tantrum up a storm, since she knows that this behavior worked like a charm to get her beloved binky back last time. Be prepared and ready for it. To ease her pain, consider buying a new stuffed animal, blanket or nightlight to help her transition.

Dr. Catherine Pearlman is the author of “Ignore It! How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction.” To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Snooping Mistakes and a Pesky Pacifier

Potty-Training Resistance and a Nickname

by admin | Mar 17, 2018 | Dear Family Coach

Potty-Training Resistance and a Nickname
Dear Family Coach

Dear Family Coach: My nearly 4-year-old daughter is not potty trained. At preschool she is prompted to use to toilet every hour or so, and she successfully tinkles. But at home she refuses to tell us when she needs to go and has a tantrum when we suggest she sit on the potty. She has never pooped on the potty at school or at home. She just goes in her pullup. We’ve tried everything. Should we continue to push her or just put her in underwear and hope for the best? — Daddy

Dear Daddy: Pump the breaks. Potty training comes easily to some, looking almost as if the kid trained herself. But for others it’s a struggle. The worst path parents can take with a resistant trainer is to push and prod. Little kids control almost nothing in their lives. Where they pee and poop is in their control. When children see how desperately important the toilet seems to their parents, they often decide to resist just because they can.

Additionally, some children can become afraid of the toilet, especially for pooping. The more a parent pushes, the more resistant a child becomes. Much bigger problems can arise from withholding when one has to go. Since your daughter has never pooped on the potty and is resistant, I’m concerned that she may also be constipated. When this happens, using the toilet might also be painful, which contributes to the fear.

To begin with, let her lead the way. If she doesn’t want to go, leave it alone. Set up a reward system for using the toilet. If she sits on the potty (even with her clothes on), she earns one star. Give two stars for peeing and three for pooping. Then, figure out something enticing for which your daughter can trade her stars. You might suggest she sit on the potty right after breakfast and before bed to facilitate success. If she wants to give it a try, great. If she doesn’t, bite your tongue and say nothing.

Also, check with her doctor to ensure she isn’t constipated or withholding. She may need a stool softener to help her become more comfortable. The bottom line to remember is you can’t force this. Give your daughter space to decide when she is ready, and set her up for success.

Dear Family Coach: My son is named Joseph Frederick, after my father and my husband’s father. I love the name, and it’s very meaningful to us. Yet my son insists everyone call him Joey — a name I absolutely hate, and one my father would never have used. I’ve told him this upsets me, but he won’t even respond if I try to use Joseph. What can I do to convince him to use his given name? — Sentimental

Dear Sentimental: Your son is not your father; he isn’t your father-in-law either. It’s important to state that because it seems you’ve forgotten your son is a separate individual. While he is the namesake for these lovely people, he is not them. He’s a boy who is begging you to recognize his individuality. Insisting on calling him by his given name won’t make him love that name. It will only make him feel as if you don’t care about his feelings.

Tell your son about what his name means to you. Then, let him know that you will call him whatever he likes. It’s a special name, and you should still enjoy it, even if you can’t say it aloud.

Dr. Catherine Pearlman is the author of “Ignore It! How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction.” To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Potty-Training Resistance and a Nickname