A Falling Hero and Perfect Profanity
Dear Family Coach
Dear Family Coach: My son’s sports idol is a womanizing, arrogant jerk by most accounts. At only 10 years old, my son isn’t aware of most of his hero’s problems. Despite recent allegations of serial extramarital affairs, my son said he loves him anyway. As a woman, wife and mother, I’m troubled by this. But I don’t want to ruin his hero for him. What can I do? — Feminist Mom
Dear Feminist: It would be very hard for your son to truly comprehend what is so upsetting about an extramarital affair. He’s just a boy who probably can’t even envision dating, let alone marriage. So his need to brush off the allegations isn’t troubling per se. However, it does signify that it might be time to broaden your discussions in general about dating, marriage and heroes.
Before you go and ruin this hero for your son, I’d recommend you take time to realize that athletes are human. They have flaws and make mistakes. It’s just that their mistakes are amplified due to their notoriety. This idol may be a complete and total jerk. Or he may struggling with relationships, work and family, just like everyone else. Before you bash him, maybe give him a break. From afar it’s impossible to know someone’s situation, and thus, we shouldn’t judge based on what we see on the news.
As for your son, he probably won’t listen to you if you simply tell him his idol is a loser. Instead, ask him why he admires this person. Maybe your son sees tenacity, hard work, camaraderie and teamwork, or maybe he just likes to see this person perform at such a high level. As long as your son doesn’t start to emulate troubling behavior, I’d let this one pass.
Dear Family Coach: My 11-year-old daughter used profanity, and she used it well. She said it in frustration. Although her usage was impressive on some level, I don’t want it to happen again. What should I do to nip this one in the bud? — Profanity User’s Papa
Dear Papa: It can be quite entertaining when our kids curse. Sure, parents all know that they shouldn’t encourage this type of language. But an occasional swearword here or there isn’t going to ruin a child’s precious future. On the other hand, if parents aren’t careful, their kids will think cursing is perfectly acceptable in all situations.
Ensuring that this doesn’t happen again isn’t so easy. If you admonish, or even punish, children for improper language, they will surely use it again, if only to get a rise out of you. If you laugh with your daughter but still tell her not to do it again, she will focus on your enjoyment and hear your thoughts more as a recommendation rather than a mandate.
Believe me, your daughter knows well when and where cursing is inappropriate. As you say, she used it in a moment of frustration. In those situations, it’s best to focus your attention on the frustration and not the language. Also, you could model other language in the future when you are frustrated to provide an alternative vocabulary. Get creative, and make it a family joke of who can come up with the funniest alternative. You could try “Sugar!” (this was my mom’s word of choice) “Shitake mushroom!” “Snap!” or “Cheez-Its!” And if all else fails, go with the old Charlie Brown standard: “Good grief!”
Dr. Catherine Pearlman is the author of “Ignore It! How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction.” To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.