by admin | Mar 23, 2018 | Blog
Sometimes a small change can make a massive difference. Today I found out my school district changed it’s dress code policy. What might look like minor language alterations actually add up to a huge development.
Last year my 13-year-old daughter was objectified, mortified and singled out due to her size (tall) and gender. First we were told girls couldn’t wear yoga pants because the boys can’t control themselves. Then various school administrators gave my daughter two dress code violations stating that her shorts were too short. Frustrated and embarrassed by what she had to wear the rest of the day my daughter wrote an email to the principal expressing her thoughts on the dress code. The principal wrote back that it was out of her hands as she was just following district policy (LAME).
I was livid and fed up with the policy and its implementation. I wrote a tongue in cheek letter to the principal inviting her to take my daughter shopping. The letter struck a chord, for better or worse, with so many. I received hundreds of notes from women and girls thanking me for expressing their frustration. I also received loads of well-meaning folks telling me I was raising a slut and a snowflake. Everyone is entitled to their opinion although I respectfully disagreed.
The dress code singles out girls. Although tall and overweight girls are disproportionately more likely to be cited. The not-so-subtle message of the dress code is that girls’ bodies are a distraction and girls need to be responsible for making boys comfortable. In the age of #MeToo it is clear that we need to be sending different messages to both the boys and the girls.
This year my daughter entered high school where miraculously the dress code isn’t enforced much. Life went on. However, I just spotted an understated post on the middle school Facebook page that simply says, “Dress Code approved 1/16/2018.” I clicked on the link and immediately smiled from ear to ear.
The new dress code states that kids must wear a shirt, pant, shorts or a skirt, and shoes. No one can wear clothing with profanity, violent images, any illegal item or hate speech. That’s pretty much it.
The best part of the new policy actually doesn’t relate to the dress code, but to how it can be enforced. School staff may NOT publicly call out a student for attire. Staff may NOT require students to bend, kneel or measure skirts or straps. And most important, school staff may NOT accuse students of distracting other students with their clothing. When I read that part I became teary from I place I didn’t know was still hurting. This is a huge advancement and a win for all the kids in the district.
I don’t think my letters to and about the principal had any influence over this policy. But I do think that our collective voice across the country is being heard. This policy shift may seem small and insignificant. But right now I feel hopeful, and that’s not nothing.
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by admin | Mar 17, 2018 | Dear Family Coach
Potty-Training Resistance and a Nickname for 03/17/2018
Dear Family Coach
Dear Family Coach: My nearly 4-year-old daughter is not potty trained. At preschool she is prompted to use to toilet every hour or so, and she successfully tinkles. But at home she refuses to tell us when she needs to go and has a tantrum when we suggest she sit on the potty. She has never pooped on the potty at school or at home. She just goes in her pullup. We’ve tried everything. Should we continue to push her or just put her in underwear and hope for the best? – Daddy
Dear Daddy: Pump the breaks. Potty training comes easily to some, looking almost as if the kid trained herself. But for others it’s a struggle. The worst path parents can take with a resistant trainer is to push and prod. Little kids control almost nothing in their lives. Where they pee and poop is in their control. When children see how desperately important the toilet seems to their parents, they often decide to resist just because they can.
Updated: Sat Mar 17, 2018
Potty-Training Resistance and a Nickname for 03/17/2018
by admin | Mar 17, 2018 | Dear Family Coach
Potty-Training Resistance and a Nickname for 03/17/2018
Dear Family Coach
Dear Family Coach: My nearly 4-year-old daughter is not potty trained. At preschool she is prompted to use to toilet every hour or so, and she successfully tinkles. But at home she refuses to tell us when she needs to go and has a tantrum when we suggest she sit on the potty. She has never pooped on the potty at school or at home. She just goes in her pullup. We’ve tried everything. Should we continue to push her or just put her in underwear and hope for the best? – Daddy
Dear Daddy: Pump the breaks. Potty training comes easily to some, looking almost as if the kid trained herself. But for others it’s a struggle. The worst path parents can take with a resistant trainer is to push and prod. Little kids control almost nothing in their lives. Where they pee and poop is in their control. When children see how desperately important the toilet seems to their parents, they often decide to resist just because they can.
Updated: Sat Mar 17, 2018
Potty-Training Resistance and a Nickname for 03/17/2018
by admin | Mar 17, 2018 | Dear Family Coach
Potty-Training Resistance and a Nickname
Dear Family Coach
Dear Family Coach: My nearly 4-year-old daughter is not potty trained. At preschool she is prompted to use to toilet every hour or so, and she successfully tinkles. But at home she refuses to tell us when she needs to go and has a tantrum when we suggest she sit on the potty. She has never pooped on the potty at school or at home. She just goes in her pullup. We’ve tried everything. Should we continue to push her or just put her in underwear and hope for the best? — Daddy
Dear Daddy: Pump the breaks. Potty training comes easily to some, looking almost as if the kid trained herself. But for others it’s a struggle. The worst path parents can take with a resistant trainer is to push and prod. Little kids control almost nothing in their lives. Where they pee and poop is in their control. When children see how desperately important the toilet seems to their parents, they often decide to resist just because they can.
Additionally, some children can become afraid of the toilet, especially for pooping. The more a parent pushes, the more resistant a child becomes. Much bigger problems can arise from withholding when one has to go. Since your daughter has never pooped on the potty and is resistant, I’m concerned that she may also be constipated. When this happens, using the toilet might also be painful, which contributes to the fear.
To begin with, let her lead the way. If she doesn’t want to go, leave it alone. Set up a reward system for using the toilet. If she sits on the potty (even with her clothes on), she earns one star. Give two stars for peeing and three for pooping. Then, figure out something enticing for which your daughter can trade her stars. You might suggest she sit on the potty right after breakfast and before bed to facilitate success. If she wants to give it a try, great. If she doesn’t, bite your tongue and say nothing.
Also, check with her doctor to ensure she isn’t constipated or withholding. She may need a stool softener to help her become more comfortable. The bottom line to remember is you can’t force this. Give your daughter space to decide when she is ready, and set her up for success.
Dear Family Coach: My son is named Joseph Frederick, after my father and my husband’s father. I love the name, and it’s very meaningful to us. Yet my son insists everyone call him Joey — a name I absolutely hate, and one my father would never have used. I’ve told him this upsets me, but he won’t even respond if I try to use Joseph. What can I do to convince him to use his given name? — Sentimental
Dear Sentimental: Your son is not your father; he isn’t your father-in-law either. It’s important to state that because it seems you’ve forgotten your son is a separate individual. While he is the namesake for these lovely people, he is not them. He’s a boy who is begging you to recognize his individuality. Insisting on calling him by his given name won’t make him love that name. It will only make him feel as if you don’t care about his feelings.
Tell your son about what his name means to you. Then, let him know that you will call him whatever he likes. It’s a special name, and you should still enjoy it, even if you can’t say it aloud.
Dr. Catherine Pearlman is the author of “Ignore It! How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction.” To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
Potty-Training Resistance and a Nickname
by admin | Mar 17, 2018 | Dear Family Coach
Potty-Training Resistance and a Nickname for 03/17/2018
Dear Family Coach
Dear Family Coach: My nearly 4-year-old daughter is not potty trained. At preschool she is prompted to use to toilet every hour or so, and she successfully tinkles. But at home she refuses to tell us when she needs to go and has a tantrum when we suggest she sit on the potty. She has never pooped on the potty at school or at home. She just goes in her pullup. We’ve tried everything. Should we continue to push her or just put her in underwear and hope for the best? – Daddy
Dear Daddy: Pump the breaks. Potty training comes easily to some, looking almost as if the kid trained herself. But for others it’s a struggle. The worst path parents can take with a resistant trainer is to push and prod. Little kids control almost nothing in their lives. Where they pee and poop is in their control. When children see how desperately important the toilet seems to their parents, they often decide to resist just because they can.
Updated: Sat Mar 17, 2018
Potty-Training Resistance and a Nickname for 03/17/2018
by admin | Mar 10, 2018 | Dear Family Coach
A Falling Hero and Perfect Profanity for 03/10/2018
Dear Family Coach
Dear Family Coach: My son’s sports idol is a womanizing, arrogant jerk by most accounts. At only 10 years old, my son isn’t aware of most of his hero’s problems. Despite recent allegations of serial extramarital affairs, my son said he loves him anyway. As a woman, wife and mother, I’m troubled by this. But I don’t want to ruin his hero for him. What can I do? – Feminist Mom
Dear Feminist: It would be very hard for your son to truly comprehend what is so upsetting about an extramarital affair. He’s just a boy who probably can’t even envision dating, let alone marriage. So his need to brush off the allegations isn’t troubling per se. However, it does signify that it might be time to broaden your discussions in general about dating, marriage and heroes.
Updated: Sat Mar 10, 2018
A Falling Hero and Perfect Profanity for 03/10/2018
by admin | Mar 10, 2018 | Dear Family Coach
A Falling Hero and Perfect Profanity for 03/10/2018
Dear Family Coach
Dear Family Coach: My son’s sports idol is a womanizing, arrogant jerk by most accounts. At only 10 years old, my son isn’t aware of most of his hero’s problems. Despite recent allegations of serial extramarital affairs, my son said he loves him anyway. As a woman, wife and mother, I’m troubled by this. But I don’t want to ruin his hero for him. What can I do? – Feminist Mom
Dear Feminist: It would be very hard for your son to truly comprehend what is so upsetting about an extramarital affair. He’s just a boy who probably can’t even envision dating, let alone marriage. So his need to brush off the allegations isn’t troubling per se. However, it does signify that it might be time to broaden your discussions in general about dating, marriage and heroes.
Updated: Sat Mar 10, 2018
A Falling Hero and Perfect Profanity for 03/10/2018
by admin | Mar 10, 2018 | Dear Family Coach
A Falling Hero and Perfect Profanity
Dear Family Coach
Dear Family Coach: My son’s sports idol is a womanizing, arrogant jerk by most accounts. At only 10 years old, my son isn’t aware of most of his hero’s problems. Despite recent allegations of serial extramarital affairs, my son said he loves him anyway. As a woman, wife and mother, I’m troubled by this. But I don’t want to ruin his hero for him. What can I do? — Feminist Mom
Dear Feminist: It would be very hard for your son to truly comprehend what is so upsetting about an extramarital affair. He’s just a boy who probably can’t even envision dating, let alone marriage. So his need to brush off the allegations isn’t troubling per se. However, it does signify that it might be time to broaden your discussions in general about dating, marriage and heroes.
Before you go and ruin this hero for your son, I’d recommend you take time to realize that athletes are human. They have flaws and make mistakes. It’s just that their mistakes are amplified due to their notoriety. This idol may be a complete and total jerk. Or he may struggling with relationships, work and family, just like everyone else. Before you bash him, maybe give him a break. From afar it’s impossible to know someone’s situation, and thus, we shouldn’t judge based on what we see on the news.
As for your son, he probably won’t listen to you if you simply tell him his idol is a loser. Instead, ask him why he admires this person. Maybe your son sees tenacity, hard work, camaraderie and teamwork, or maybe he just likes to see this person perform at such a high level. As long as your son doesn’t start to emulate troubling behavior, I’d let this one pass.
Dear Family Coach: My 11-year-old daughter used profanity, and she used it well. She said it in frustration. Although her usage was impressive on some level, I don’t want it to happen again. What should I do to nip this one in the bud? — Profanity User’s Papa
Dear Papa: It can be quite entertaining when our kids curse. Sure, parents all know that they shouldn’t encourage this type of language. But an occasional swearword here or there isn’t going to ruin a child’s precious future. On the other hand, if parents aren’t careful, their kids will think cursing is perfectly acceptable in all situations.
Ensuring that this doesn’t happen again isn’t so easy. If you admonish, or even punish, children for improper language, they will surely use it again, if only to get a rise out of you. If you laugh with your daughter but still tell her not to do it again, she will focus on your enjoyment and hear your thoughts more as a recommendation rather than a mandate.
Believe me, your daughter knows well when and where cursing is inappropriate. As you say, she used it in a moment of frustration. In those situations, it’s best to focus your attention on the frustration and not the language. Also, you could model other language in the future when you are frustrated to provide an alternative vocabulary. Get creative, and make it a family joke of who can come up with the funniest alternative. You could try “Sugar!” (this was my mom’s word of choice) “Shitake mushroom!” “Snap!” or “Cheez-Its!” And if all else fails, go with the old Charlie Brown standard: “Good grief!”
Dr. Catherine Pearlman is the author of “Ignore It! How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction.” To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
A Falling Hero and Perfect Profanity
by admin | Mar 10, 2018 | Dear Family Coach
A Falling Hero and Perfect Profanity for 03/10/2018
Dear Family Coach
Dear Family Coach: My son’s sports idol is a womanizing, arrogant jerk by most accounts. At only 10 years old, my son isn’t aware of most of his hero’s problems. Despite recent allegations of serial extramarital affairs, my son said he loves him anyway. As a woman, wife and mother, I’m troubled by this. But I don’t want to ruin his hero for him. What can I do? – Feminist Mom
Dear Feminist: It would be very hard for your son to truly comprehend what is so upsetting about an extramarital affair. He’s just a boy who probably can’t even envision dating, let alone marriage. So his need to brush off the allegations isn’t troubling per se. However, it does signify that it might be time to broaden your discussions in general about dating, marriage and heroes.
Updated: Sat Mar 10, 2018
A Falling Hero and Perfect Profanity for 03/10/2018
by admin | Mar 3, 2018 | Dear Family Coach
A Broken Promise and Nighttime Cellphone Rules for 03/03/2018
Dear Family Coach
Dear Family Coach: My daughter couldn’t find her glasses, so she offered to give her brother a crazy amount of money if he were to find them. He suggested that she check her backpack. When she did, she found her glasses. Now, my daughter refuses to pay my son the money she promised him. I feel she should have to pay up because, without her brother, she wouldn’t have found them. On the other hand, he didn’t exactly find them. They’ve been fighting about this ferociously. Whose side should I take? – In the Middle
Dear Middle: You should take no one’s side. Stay far out of it. This isn’t your battle to resolve, and any meddling you do will backfire almost immediately.
Updated: Sat Mar 03, 2018
A Broken Promise and Nighttime Cellphone Rules for 03/03/2018
