Lonely Mom and Dealing With Miscarriage

by admin | Mar 31, 2018 | Dear Family Coach

Lonely Mom and Dealing With Miscarriage
Dear Family Coach

Dear Family Coach: I have two kids. When my oldest was born, I had lots of friends to meet for play dates. Those friends provided me with a lot of social and emotional support. I never realized how much until I had my second son. My youngest has a severe form of autism. He is difficult to be around, and thus, I have pretty much lost all of my friends. I am lonely and exhausted, and I feel abandoned. How can I help my friends see how much I need their friendship? — Alone

Dear Alone: It can feel exceptionally lonely to be the parent of a child with special needs. I am sorry your friends didn’t rise to the occasion.

Sometimes people have trouble knowing how to help, or even that help is needed. It may be difficult, but try asking a few close friends directly for what you need. Don’t be accusatory, because that will just shut them down. Instead, express some of your struggles, and tell them one way they could help support you. If you don’t get much of a response, it’s time to look for some new friends.

There are lots of other parents who could relate to some of your struggles. Try to find a community of families like yours near you, or even online. Ask local nonprofits, therapists, teachers or doctors whether they know of parent networks. Even if those parents can’t offer tangible help to ease your burden, their true empathy and friendship will make you feel less alone. If you can’t find an existing group to join, create your own. Pick a date and a child-friendly location. Post a few signs in local coffee shops and supermarkets for your play group that specify the group is for children with autism, or whatever special needs you decide. Give it time, and don’t give up. There is someone else out there who could use a friend.

Dear Family Coach: I recently had a miscarriage. We excitedly told our 3-year-old daughter about the baby. Now we don’t know how to handle it. We were thinking of just pretending like we said nothing and letting her forget about the baby. Is that the right way to go? — So Sad

Dear So Sad: Do whatever feels right to you. There isn’t a right or wrong way here. But since you asked, I’ll give you my two cents.

You lost a baby, one that you were excited to have. At the moment of conception, many people start fantasizing about their baby. Who will he or she become? Will the little tyke enjoy sports or art or reading? It goes on and on. It’s incredible how much dreaming and planning can happen in just a few weeks or months. That makes the miscarriage all the more painful. It is hard enough to deal with these feelings as an adult. Imagine how confusing it might be for your daughter, who might have also been excited for a new baby in the house.

Death is a part of life, and children shouldn’t be shielded from it. The more openly parents can talk about loss with their kids, the less fear the child will have around death in the future. Also, children sometimes think unexplained changes or disappointments are their fault. So, if you can, it would be best to simply tell your daughter the truth. Answer her questions simply but honestly, and follow her lead. She may want to mention the baby a lot or never again. Either way, she can be part of the grieving process.

Dr. Catherine Pearlman is the author of “Ignore It! How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction.” To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Lonely Mom and Dealing With Miscarriage

Snooping Mistakes and a Pesky Pacifier

by admin | Mar 24, 2018 | Dear Family Coach

Snooping Mistakes and a Pesky Pacifier
Dear Family Coach

Dear Family Coach: My 16-year-old daughter tells us nothing about her life. So when she goes to bed, I sometimes browse through her cellphone. At first I just noticed typical teenage girl gossip. But then I read about a boy she likes and is trying to attract by wearing tight clothing and sending him racy Snapchats. How can I address this with her without telling her that I’ve been on her phone? — Snooper

Dear Snooper: Stop snooping right now. Your daughter chooses not to share her life with you. It would be helpful to figure out why. Is she just private, or is she worried about the potential lectures she will get if she tells you anything? Either way, I can guarantee she will be even less likely to share her life details once she finds out you’ve been snooping. Furthermore, once you read or see something upsetting, you can’t unknow it. That’s the danger. You don’t know what you will find, or even how to handle it.

Whenever I tell parents to quit reading texts and private correspondence between young people, they inevitably tell me they have no choice. Sometimes they fear drugs or sex or some other ill. Other times they are just desperate for some type of connection to their distant teenager. But these actions only erode trust even further.

Instead of eavesdropping, parents should just talk to their kids about their concerns. So if you are worried about drugs and sex promiscuity, then talk to your kid about those issues regardless of whether or not you read about it on the cellphone. Use stories from the news to help bring up an issue in a timely manner. If your child is closed off and hard to reach, then slow down, and try to find something your teen enjoys and do it with her. Bottom line: Reach out to your daughter honestly and genuinely, without being a snooper.

Dear Family Coach: Our daughter loves her pacifier. We tried to get rid of it when she was 2 years old, but she threw such violent tantrums that we gave it back. Now she’s 3 1/2 and totally dependent on the pacifier when she’s upset during the day and to sleep at night. We know we have to pull it, but how can we do it with the least amount of pain (for her and us)? — Panicked Parents

Dear Parents: You have good reason to panic. Your daughter adores her little binky. It gives her comfort. It helps her sleep and keeps her calm when she is having a hard time. Plus, you’ve already tried and failed to take it away, so you know she will put up quite a fight.

But don’t dip too far into the pit of despair. This issue can be conquered with some tenacity and consistency. Pick a date on the calendar that will be known as bye-bye binky day. Let your daughter know three days before. On the morning of the designated day, get the pacifiers out of the house. Cut them up; dump garbage on them; or mail them away. Just get rid of them so there is no danger of giving them back if you get weak. Your daughter will tantrum up a storm, since she knows that this behavior worked like a charm to get her beloved binky back last time. Be prepared and ready for it. To ease her pain, consider buying a new stuffed animal, blanket or nightlight to help her transition.

Dr. Catherine Pearlman is the author of “Ignore It! How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction.” To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Snooping Mistakes and a Pesky Pacifier