A Sunday Sleepover and Conflicting Stories

by admin | Apr 21, 2018 | Dear Family Coach

A Sunday Sleepover and Conflicting Stories
Dear Family Coach

Dear Family Coach: My 14-year-old daughter was invited to a birthday pool party at a local resort. It’s being held on a Sunday night. The girls are expected to sleep over and miss school on Monday. I told my daughter she could attend the party but I would be picking her up at 10:30 p.m. Of course, she threw a fit. Am I being unreasonable? — Party Pooper

Dear Pooper: First things first, who throws a sleepover party for ninth-graders on a school night? Sleepovers are some of my best childhood memories — up all night, all the chatter with the lights off, the late-night snacks, the secrets. It’s a special time. And I don’t necessarily disagree with kids missing school here and there for fun events. Life is short. But missing school to attend a birthday party doesn’t quite meet the bar.

That being said, I think there are ways to make this work out for your daughter, if you so choose. You could put your foot down and continue with your 10:30 plan. She will be angry. She will bombard you with the typical teen rant: You will be the worst mother. Everyone else is allowed to sleep there. Why do you have to be so unreasonable? The backlash will be fierce. She’s entitled to be upset, so give her some space. When she sees you aren’t budging, she will decide to go and enjoy what she can before she has to go home.

Alternatively, you could let her sleep over but let her know you will have to pick her up before school. This is pretty undesirable for you and her, but it’s an option. She will be exhausted and have a fairly crappy day. But it could be her choice.

Sometimes parenting is all joy. This isn’t going to be one of those times.

Dear Family Coach: My 9-year-old daughter’s friends seem to behave one way around adults but a completely different way around my daughter. These friends tell my daughter they do not want to play with her or are no longer her friend. But the adults in these girls’ lives have no idea what is going on and still invite my daughter over. Another time, my daughter told me her friend hates dragons, but the parent told me the opposite when I asked about what to buy for a birthday present. Why do I receive such mixed messages, and who should I believe? — Mixed-Up Mom

Dear Mixed Up: While you seem to have a close relationship with your chatty daughter, other parents don’t share the same luxury. Their kids keep everything close to the vest, so they may not be well-informed of the recent changes. Additionally, some parents only see what they want to see. When they look at their children, they envision loving little beings who include everyone. Reality often looks very different.

Complicating matters is the fact that kids are fickle. They have vacillating interests, friendships, likes and dislikes. Around fourth grade, friendships start to shift as well. Parents engineer play dates when kids are little. But around your daughter’s age, kids start to want to make their own choices. Some parents just haven’t caught on to this fact yet.

Your daughter, who is spending many more hours with these children, will likely have a more accurate vantage point than some of these adults. If there is a discrepancy, I’d say believe your daughter.

Dr. Catherine Pearlman is the author of “Ignore It! How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction.” To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

A Sunday Sleepover and Conflicting Stories

Fearing ADHD Meds and a Hair Catastrophe

by admin | Apr 14, 2018 | Dear Family Coach

Fearing ADHD Meds and a Hair Catastrophe
Dear Family Coach

Dear Family Coach: My daughter has been diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. She showed the signs for several years. However, recently, she has had much more trouble in school, and even with her friends. Her doctor recommended she try medication to help control some of her behavior, but we are really against it. There are side effects, and we don’t want her to be dependent on drugs for the rest of her life. What do you think about it? — Concerned Parents

Dear Concerned: What if your daughter didn’t have ADHD but instead was born with a congenital heart condition that required her to be on medication for the rest of her life? Would you consider withholding the drugs? I highly doubt it. Yet when it comes to mental health conditions, people often consider medical management a non-necessity. While there are other treatments, studies show that medication, especially when combined with other therapies, is highly effective in treating ADHD.

There are often side effects to drug therapy of any kind. It is also true that your daughter may experience some of them. But there are serious side effects of not trying the medication. Kids with untreated ADHD risk consequences of impulsivity and poor judgment. These consequences include drug and alcohol use and abuse, pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease from unprotected sex, and car accidents resulting from drinking or texting while driving. These problems don’t disappear after adolescence. Instead, they often grow. I recommend finding a very good psychiatrist and psychologist to help you manage your daughter’s treatment.

Dear Family Coach: Last night, I had to work late, so my teen daughter was home alone. When I saw her at breakfast today, she had cut, bleached and died her hair. It is now orange and green (her school colors) and completely misshapen. I am livid. She knew that if she had asked me or I was home, I would never have allowed this. How should I handle it now? — Fuming Single Dad

Dear Fuming: Well, that must have come as quite an unpleasant surprise. Chances are your assessment is 100 percent accurate. She purposely did this while you were out. Your daughter knew that you would be adamantly against her desire for orange and green hair (not that I blame you), and she was right. You are. If she had asked you and you’d said no, then she would have had to make the choice to go against you. If she just didn’t bother to ask, then she isn’t actively disobeying you.

There is little benefit to berating or fighting about the hair at this point. It will only do more harm than good. In the scheme of potential teen mishaps, this one is fairly benign. Explain to your daughter that you understand why she might have chosen to do this while you weren’t home, but encourage her to talk to you in advance next time. Let her know that you may not agree with her choices but you will try to have an open mind and give her more freedom. Don’t mention the hair again. If she absolutely loves it, you will only hurt her self-esteem. If she hates it, she will feel more comfortable coming to you for help to change it if you don’t give her the “I told you so” lecture.

Dr. Catherine Pearlman is the author of “Ignore It! How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction.” To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Fearing ADHD Meds and a Hair Catastrophe

Visible Tattoos and a Sugary Breakfast Habit

by admin | Apr 7, 2018 | Dear Family Coach

Visible Tattoos and a Sugary Breakfast Habit
Dear Family Coach

Dear Family Coach: My son will be 18 in a few months. He has been accepted into college and will be moving to a big city in the fall. He says that once at college, he’s going to get a tattoo on his hand or wrist. I don’t mind a tattoo, but I’m concerned about him losing job possibilities because of his tattoo being too visible. But he will be 18, and the only thing I could do is threaten to take away his college money. Would that be a mistake, or is this decision too big to allow a young man to make? — Purse Strings

Dear Strings: I am never a fan of using the purse strings to keep young adults in line. If your son is wasting your money, blowing off classes and failing semester after semester, then it’s time to pull the plug, or at least change the deal. Otherwise it’s time to let your son grow up and make his own decisions.

You may think that a wrist tattoo will limit his job options, and maybe it will. But maybe your son has no interest working in a career that would require him to have pristine-looking hands and wrists. Once you begin holding money over your son’s head, you will muddy your relationship. He may choose to do what he wants and find another way to pay for his college. And when he does, you can kiss your relationship goodbye. It’s not worth the risk.

He’s an adult. Start treating him like one. By all means, offer your opinion. Let him know that from your experience, some employers are turned off by visible tattoos. Then keep your thoughts to yourself.

Dear Family Coach: My 11-year-old daughter is addicted to cereal. I try and give her healthy breakfasts — eggs, toast, fruit. But all she wants is her cereal, all of which are filled with sugar. I can’t get her to eat anything else, so I give in. What more can I do? — Cereal Mom

Dear Mom: This is a complex problem. However, let’s make one thing clear: Your daughter is not addicted to cereal. She has convinced her parents to buy sugary breakfast cereal because she conveniently refuses to eat anything else. That’s not addiction. That’s manipulation. But who could blame her? Those cereals are purposely created to be attractive to children with the sweet taste, colorful boxes and toys submerged within.

Changing eating habits takes time and commitment. The trick is to provide a little of what your daughter likes with a healthy alternative at the same time. Support her trying new foods by using a reward system. Even if she only licks a new food at first, give the reward. And don’t push. The more you push, the more she will avoid food just because she can.

However, nothing will change if you continue to shoot yourself in the foot at mealtimes. If you put healthy food options in front of your daughter but take them away as soon as she puts up a fuss, she will continue to demand sugary cereal. Don’t expect her to give up her cereal for eggs or yogurt at first. Instead, buy the cereal she likes, but try to find less sugary options that are very similar. Continue to make minor, almost imperceptible changes over time so that her breakfast habit is replaced with a healthier alternative.

Dr. Catherine Pearlman is the author of “Ignore It! How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction.” To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Visible Tattoos and a Sugary Breakfast Habit