by admin | May 8, 2018 | Blog
Going to conferences always brings out my deeply hidden insecurities. On any typical day I am a fairly confident person. I work hard. I try to be nice to people. Life is generally good. But in the weeks leading up to any conference I’m a little shaky. I start obsessing about clothing (which I never do). I worry about meaningless stuff. My head gets the best of me.
Leading up to Mom 2.0 my mental firestorm always goes on overload. There are a few reasons why. To start with I really respect the people who attend. I read their words and listen to their podcasts and marvel at their Instagram feeds. I just sink into thinking, I’m unworthy. Oh course I’m worthy. We all are. But that doesn’t stop my inner critic from spewing belittling thoughts late at night.
The second and equally plaguing problem heading into Mom 2.0 is I really care about promoting my book. It took 20 years to learn enough to write it, and it’s my book baby. I want to tell everyone about it. But that’s the problem. It’s really hard to tell people about your book. It’s awkward. I’m awkward.
Lastly, there is always a time when it feels like everyone else has someone to go to the _______ (fill in the blank big event) and I don’t. Sure, I could ask to join someone. But that sometimes feels like offering to feed the bears. It could go really well or you could get mauled.
Still, excitedly, I drove to the conference, held this year in the lovely Langham Pasadena (thanks for the pens). The conference didn’t disappoint. I called my husband a few times, and he would say I was giddy. I met incredibly nice and interesting people. I presented on a panel with women I didn’t know, and it all worked perfectly. I went in determined to push myself out of my comfort zone, and I did. But the problem with leaving the comfort zone is that it’s uncomfortable there.
So when I went home and started thinking about all I said and did. I became mortified. I obsessed just like I did before the conference but this time I had actual experiences to harp on. Like the time I horrendously whipped out my book to give to a person I admire. Ugh, sorry. Or the time I tried to tell someone their Dove hair looked great but my compliment came off all wrong. Sorry, again. I could go on and on. I somehow was turning a great experience into middle school.
Before I sunk too deep into my breakdown, I flipped through my little notebook and remembered my two biggest takeaways from the conference. I replayed Brené Brown’s inspiring words: Talk to yourself like you talk to someone you love. I would never talk to someone the way my mind was talking to me. The other advice that really hit home was from Katherine Wintsch. In her Slay Like A Mother presentation she told us to stay in the present, “right here, right now.” And just like Brené Brown she told us to acknowledge the voice and then direct it to a friend.
If my friend told me all the crap I was telling myself, here’s what I would say:
You are being ridiculous. Even if you embarrassed yourself, who cares.
If you feel so badly asking for someone to help you out then offer to help someone else.
Give yourself a break.
All of the sudden I became the friend I needed. I started to return to my conference high shedding that awful critic. I incorporated what I just learned. And that’s what conferences are all about. It’s growth in ways you didn’t even know you needed.
Being a working mother these days is often about finding your inner voice and silencing the real or imagined chatter. I am so thankful to be able to have these learning experiences. Professionally, I prioritized my work and found the direction I needed. Personally, I picked up a new tool to fight my worst inner voice and a way to be a better me. Thank you Mom 2.0 for all of this.
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On a side note: What makes me feel better about asking for help is also giving it. Here is what I have to share. If you are interested, message me on Facebook @thefamilycoach or send me an email here.
- 1-page book review request sheet
- Sample successful pitch letters
- My book proposal for a nonfiction book
- Ask me to do a book review for your book baby
by admin | May 5, 2018 | Dear Family Coach
Promiscuous Neighbors and Occasional Formula Feeding for 05/05/2018
Dear Family Coach
Dear Family Coach: My next-door neighbor is a single mom who works long hours. Her 13- and 15-year-old daughters are often alone. They are good kids. But I see random boys coming and going a lot, and I’m worried the girls are making bad choices. I’d like to tell the mom she needs to work less so she doesn’t leave them alone as much. How can I say this gently? – Concerned Neighbor
Dear Neighbor: I have to assume this mom is working long hours because she has no other choice. She might not be getting child support from the children’s father. She may have medical bills or extensive debt that must be paid. It doesn’t really matter. The point is that Mom is working her tail off and raising two girls on her own.
Updated: Sat May 05, 2018
Promiscuous Neighbors and Occasional Formula Feeding for 05/05/2018
by admin | May 5, 2018 | Dear Family Coach
Promiscuous Neighbors and Occasional Formula Feeding for 05/05/2018
Dear Family Coach
Dear Family Coach: My next-door neighbor is a single mom who works long hours. Her 13- and 15-year-old daughters are often alone. They are good kids. But I see random boys coming and going a lot, and I’m worried the girls are making bad choices. I’d like to tell the mom she needs to work less so she doesn’t leave them alone as much. How can I say this gently? – Concerned Neighbor
Dear Neighbor: I have to assume this mom is working long hours because she has no other choice. She might not be getting child support from the children’s father. She may have medical bills or extensive debt that must be paid. It doesn’t really matter. The point is that Mom is working her tail off and raising two girls on her own.
Updated: Sat May 05, 2018
Promiscuous Neighbors and Occasional Formula Feeding for 05/05/2018
by admin | May 5, 2018 | Dear Family Coach
Promiscuous Neighbors and Occasional Formula Feeding
Dear Family Coach
Dear Family Coach: My next-door neighbor is a single mom who works long hours. Her 13- and 15-year-old daughters are often alone. They are good kids. But I see random boys coming and going a lot, and I’m worried the girls are making bad choices. I’d like to tell the mom she needs to work less so she doesn’t leave them alone as much. How can I say this gently? — Concerned Neighbor
Dear Neighbor: I have to assume this mom is working long hours because she has no other choice. She might not be getting child support from the children’s father. She may have medical bills or extensive debt that must be paid. It doesn’t really matter. The point is that Mom is working her tail off and raising two girls on her own.
From the tone of your question, it seems as if you want to instruct this mom rather than try to help her. That’s the wrong approach. No mom wants to have a pesky neighbor ringing the bell to offer unsolicited parenting advice. The mom who is working like a dog and doing the best she can really, truly doesn’t want to hear it.
I firmly believe it takes a village to raise children. Even in two-parent households, there’s enough work for many more adults. In the case of a single mom, the support is even more important. So, instead of informing your neighbor that she needs to work less (which is likely not even possible), offer your support instead. Let her know that you worry about the girls, and ask if there is anything you could do to help. Make sure to show honest empathy instead of judgment, and remember to be that village.
Dear Family Coach: I am not a huge fan of breastfeeding. I do it for my baby because I know it is good for him. But in order to save my sanity, my partner and I agreed to offer the baby one to two bottles of formula a day. He happily takes the breast or bottle. The problem is my partner’s mother does not agree with our choice to supplement with the bottle. She expresses her distain often, and it is really starting to affect me. I don’t want to give in to her, but I also don’t know how to stay strong. Help! — Exhausted New Mama
Dear New Mama: OK, here’s your pep talk: This is your baby. As long as you aren’t neglectful or abusive, you and your partner get to decide how to raise your child. There will be loads of advice along the way. Some opinions might be helpful. Other opinions might be, um, not so helpful. Over time it will get easier to make these decisions independently. But in the beginning, when you are exhausted and just trying to get through each day, it can be overwhelming to stand your ground.
Your partner’s mother is sure she is right about how to feed your baby. And she is probably genuinely trying to help, although she may have a funny way of showing it. So, whenever she offers her thoughts on feeding or anything else, simply thank her for sharing her ideas. Let her know you value her opinion and you do consider her thoughts. Make sure you aren’t snarky. The goal is to make her feel heard and useful while still doing what works best for you. If all else fails, use the bottle when she isn’t around.
Dr. Catherine Pearlman is the author of “Ignore It! How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction.” To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
Promiscuous Neighbors and Occasional Formula Feeding
by admin | May 5, 2018 | Dear Family Coach
Promiscuous Neighbors and Occasional Formula Feeding for 05/05/2018
Dear Family Coach
Dear Family Coach: My next-door neighbor is a single mom who works long hours. Her 13- and 15-year-old daughters are often alone. They are good kids. But I see random boys coming and going a lot, and I’m worried the girls are making bad choices. I’d like to tell the mom she needs to work less so she doesn’t leave them alone as much. How can I say this gently? – Concerned Neighbor
Dear Neighbor: I have to assume this mom is working long hours because she has no other choice. She might not be getting child support from the children’s father. She may have medical bills or extensive debt that must be paid. It doesn’t really matter. The point is that Mom is working her tail off and raising two girls on her own.
Updated: Sat May 05, 2018
Promiscuous Neighbors and Occasional Formula Feeding for 05/05/2018
by admin | Apr 28, 2018 | Dear Family Coach
Sexy Songs and a Son’s Diary for 04/28/2018
Dear Family Coach
Dear Family Coach: My 8-year-old kid loves Katy Perry songs, which are seemingly all about sex. However, we’ve been innocently singing along in the car and having a blast. Well, that is until recently, when I heard her singing about a menage a trois in public. My husband and I were mortified. Do I have to put an end to this, and if so, how? – Katy Fan’s Mom
Dear Mom: On a scale of inappropriate, your daughter belting out potentially racy lyrics rates about a four on a 10-point scale. Sure, it would likely make some older folks uncomfortable to hear your little lady squealing sexual innuendos and sex talk. But that’s more about them than your daughter. She doesn’t know what she is saying.
Updated: Sat Apr 28, 2018
Sexy Songs and a Son’s Diary for 04/28/2018
by admin | Apr 28, 2018 | Dear Family Coach
Sexy Songs and a Son’s Diary for 04/28/2018
Dear Family Coach
Dear Family Coach: My 8-year-old kid loves Katy Perry songs, which are seemingly all about sex. However, we’ve been innocently singing along in the car and having a blast. Well, that is until recently, when I heard her singing about a menage a trois in public. My husband and I were mortified. Do I have to put an end to this, and if so, how? – Katy Fan’s Mom
Dear Mom: On a scale of inappropriate, your daughter belting out potentially racy lyrics rates about a four on a 10-point scale. Sure, it would likely make some older folks uncomfortable to hear your little lady squealing sexual innuendos and sex talk. But that’s more about them than your daughter. She doesn’t know what she is saying.
Updated: Sat Apr 28, 2018
Sexy Songs and a Son’s Diary for 04/28/2018
by admin | Apr 28, 2018 | Dear Family Coach
Sexy Songs and a Son’s Diary
Dear Family Coach
Dear Family Coach: My 8-year-old kid loves Katy Perry songs, which are seemingly all about sex. However, we’ve been innocently singing along in the car and having a blast. Well, that is until recently, when I heard her singing about a menage a trois in public. My husband and I were mortified. Do I have to put an end to this, and if so, how? — Katy Fan’s Mom
Dear Mom: On a scale of inappropriate, your daughter belting out potentially racy lyrics rates about a four on a 10-point scale. Sure, it would likely make some older folks uncomfortable to hear your little lady squealing sexual innuendos and sex talk. But that’s more about them than your daughter. She doesn’t know what she is saying.
For as long as there has been radio, there have been artists who make adults blush. Millions of teenagers swooned over a gyrating Elvis, much to their parents’ chagrin. A generation later, it was Prince’s “Darling Nikki” and Michael Jackson’s “Dirty Diana” that horrified concerned adults. And yet, in the scheme of life, none of this really matters. Kids can enjoy music and unabashedly yell out wildly inappropriate lyrics and still avoid becoming sex addicts.
It’s nearly impossible to shield your child from all of this music, even if you so wish. If you and your daughter are enjoying a popular song that is played on the radio, I don’t see a problem continuing your car-singing tradition. In fact, song lyrics can help parents begin difficult conversations on a wide range of topics. In this case, sex, consent and gender identity can all be discussed in an age-appropriate way.
Dear Family Coach: I recently found my teenage son’s diary, and, regrettably, I read some of it. In one entry, he talks about stealing some money from his father. In another, he speaks very disparagingly about some of the girls in his class. I’m truly horrified. But if I confront him, he’ll know I read the diary. What should I do? — Mistaken Mom
Dear Mistaken: I’m guessing from your moniker you have realized your blunder. Diaries are for the writer, not for the potential reader. Your son composes his thoughts and feelings in sometimes crude ways because he can express himself on paper in ways he never could in person. Writing is an outlet, one that I’m sure helps him manage some of his feelings.
Think about your childhood. Would you have wanted your parents to know your every thought, feeling and action? I doubt it. Kids sometimes make mistakes. They aren’t always nice, and they often make questionable choices. But trial and error, imposed natural consequences and unpleasant feelings often teach kids how to behave in the future. Your son’s diary is a place for him to work all of that out. It’s for him, not for you to use as a parenting tool.
So, what should you do now? Do nothing, not a darn thing. You should never have opened his diary. While it takes an enormous degree of self-control and strength, it is worth the effort. You can’t unknow something you read. And unless you have a grave concern about his safety or the safety of others, you have no right to sneak a peek. Discussing your findings with your son will anger him immensely. He will be distrustful and become more secretive than ever. The worst outcome is you might ruin his outlet for him. Find other ways to engage your son, and leave his diary out of it.
Dr. Catherine Pearlman is the author of “Ignore It! How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction.” To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
Sexy Songs and a Son’s Diary
by admin | Apr 28, 2018 | Dear Family Coach
Sexy Songs and a Son’s Diary for 04/28/2018
Dear Family Coach
Dear Family Coach: My 8-year-old kid loves Katy Perry songs, which are seemingly all about sex. However, we’ve been innocently singing along in the car and having a blast. Well, that is until recently, when I heard her singing about a menage a trois in public. My husband and I were mortified. Do I have to put an end to this, and if so, how? – Katy Fan’s Mom
Dear Mom: On a scale of inappropriate, your daughter belting out potentially racy lyrics rates about a four on a 10-point scale. Sure, it would likely make some older folks uncomfortable to hear your little lady squealing sexual innuendos and sex talk. But that’s more about them than your daughter. She doesn’t know what she is saying.
Updated: Sat Apr 28, 2018
Sexy Songs and a Son’s Diary for 04/28/2018
by admin | Apr 21, 2018 | Dear Family Coach
A Sunday Sleepover and Conflicting Stories for 04/21/2018
Dear Family Coach
Dear Family Coach: My 14-year-old daughter was invited to a birthday pool party at a local resort. It’s being held on a Sunday night. The girls are expected to sleep over and miss school on Monday. I told my daughter she could attend the party but I would be picking her up at 10:30 p.m. Of course, she threw a fit. Am I being unreasonable? – Party Pooper
Dear Pooper: First things first, who throws a sleepover party for ninth-graders on a school night? Sleepovers are some of my best childhood memories – up all night, all the chatter with the lights off, the late-night snacks, the secrets. It’s a special time. And I don’t necessarily disagree with kids missing school here and there for fun events. Life is short. But missing school to attend a birthday party doesn’t quite meet the bar.
Updated: Sat Apr 21, 2018
A Sunday Sleepover and Conflicting Stories for 04/21/2018
