by admin | Jun 2, 2017 | Dear Family Coach
Dear Family Coach: My 16-year-old daughter has a serious boyfriend. I hope she chooses not to have sex, but if she does, I’d like to ensure I don’t become a grandma just yet. I want to put her on birth control, but I also don’t want her to think I’m in full support of teenage sex. How can I handle this situation? — Better Safe Than Sorry Mom
Dear Mom: I’m in favor of being real over being in denial. Since you aren’t ready to be Grandma and your daughter isn’t ready to be Mommy, go ahead and offer birth control options. Making birth control available doesn’t force kids to have sex. Touting abstinence doesn’t prevent kids from having it either. Many parents make the mistake of pretending sex isn’t a possibility. Unfortunately, the price of that fantasy is extraordinarily high. Kids who want to have sex will, regardless of the restrictions or complications.
Updated: Fri Jun 02, 2017
Source: Dear Family Coach
by admin | May 31, 2017 | Uncategorized
Almost three years ago I had an idea for a book. I’d been thinking about writing a book for many years but no idea seemed like the right one. Then I realized there were two words I said over and over again when working with families.
Parents would ask:
What should I do when my kid gets up out of time out?Ignore it!
What should I do when my teen curses at me?Ignore it!
How can I get my toddler to stop throwing food?Ignore it!
What can I do get my son to stop making annoying noises?
Tapping his pencil?
Fidgeting in his seat?
Whining?
Complaining?
Tantrumming?
Negotiating?
Ignore it all.
The advice I was repeatedly giving was to ignore all of the annoying and undesirable behaviors children present on a regular basis. I know about a concept in psychology called extinction which states that behavior that isn’t reinforced disappears. So when parents stop providing attention or benefits for a particular behavior is just goes away. It’s a really simple but powerful parenting tool.
But as simple as it seems I knew from experience that many parents struggled with implementation. So that’s where Ignore It! comes in. The book helps parents know what to ignore, how to ignore and when never to ignore behavior. It also provides general parenting tips about dealing with time outs, parenting in public, and how to enforce logical practical consequences when ignoring isn’t appropriate. I also included loads of scenarios from my practice to show how Ignore It! changes behavior and helps parents enjoy their kids more.
In just 70 days the book will be available for sale in bookstores and online. I’m so excited I can hardly sleep. In order to get the word out about the book I’m offering a great pre-order incentive. Order before 8/8/17, send me proof or post to Twitter or Facebook, and I’ll send you a bonus chapter I wrote but decided not to include in the book. The bonus chapter is all about how to resolve sleep issues. I’ll also include my Sleep Cheat Sheet that details sleep needs for newborns to teenagers.
Thanks in advance for the support and I can’t wait to hear how the book is helping your family.
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by admin | May 27, 2017 | Dear Family Coach
Dear Family Coach: My son is 12, and he clearly has a crush on his math teacher. I’ve noticed little notes he’s written about her. I’m worried he will say something embarrassing or cross the line in some way. How should I approach this situation? — Mom o’ Loverboy
Dear Mom: I’m pretty sure this was a plotline for an episode of “The Brady Bunch” and Carol solved the problem with some fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies and a backyard potato sack race. While real life isn’t quite as simple, this isn’t a problem to lose sleep over.
Updated: Sat May 27, 2017
Source: Dear Family Coach
by admin | May 26, 2017 | Dear Family Coach
Dear Family Coach: I’ve been coaching my 10-year-old son’s baseball team for a few years. I enjoy spending the time together, but it seems like I have a more difficult time coaching my own son. Do you have any tips for how I can be more effective with my own kid? — Coach
Dear Coach: There is something heartwarming and nostalgic about a father and son heading off to practice together with bats and gloves in hand. But the reality is that coaching one’s child is, as you mentioned, difficult. Being a coach is very different than being a parent, and sometimes what’s needed for one role contradicts what’s needed for the other. When you are both, it’s confusing to know when to push hard and when to simply be supportive.
Updated: Fri May 26, 2017
Source: Dear Family Coach
by admin | May 20, 2017 | Dear Family Coach
Dear Family Coach: My daughter is turning 13 in a few weeks. Instead of a party, she wants to attend a Green Day concert without me. She’d like to invite two other girls to join her. I don’t feel she is old enough to go on her own with friends. What do you think? — Worrier
Dear Worrier: There are so many factors to consider when making this decision. Her age is just a number. Some 13-year-olds can’t do much of anything independently. Others can cook, do laundry, care for elderly relatives and manage farm animals on their own. Her maturity level and abilities are much more important measures of whether or not she is ready. The venue is also a factor. Is this concert in a large hall in an unfamiliar big city, or it is closer to home at a smaller site that is easier to navigate?
Updated: Sat May 20, 2017
Source: Dear Family Coach
by admin | May 19, 2017 | Dear Family Coach
Dear Family Coach: My 18-year-old son was in a terrible car accident a few years ago, and he received a large cash settlement. Since I am listed on his bank account, I can see how he is spending his money. I’m sick to learn that he is blowing it away on parties, pizza and T-shirts. I know it’s his money, but is there anything I can do to preserve it for him until he can be more responsible with it? — Budget Mom
Dear Mom: There are two possible ways you can handle this situation. Both have merits and drawbacks. Weigh the options, and decide what is best for your son.
Updated: Fri May 19, 2017
Source: Dear Family Coach
by admin | May 14, 2017 | Blog
The ballroom was packed. Extra chairs were nudged in at each table. I sat in the way back of the room listening to Juliana Margulies talk about motherhood and acting. Scanning the crowd I saw hundreds of women who, more or less, do a similar version of what I do. Except many of them do it much better with exponentially larger followings. It’s an intimidating scene.
Sitting in that crowded room felt symbolic of what often feels like a crowded space for parenting blogger, writers and podcasters. That crowded space usually stresses me out. With so many of us vying for the same audience, I wonder if I’ll ever accomplish my dreams and goals. Really, how many successful parenting blogs can there be? How many authors can write for the most-read sites or publish in the major newspaper parenting blogs? Before Mom 2.017 I would have thought only a lucky few.
Last year when I attended my first Mom 2.0 I had no idea what to expect. As I walked into the ballroom I was filled with anxiety. But I powered through nerves and self-doubt and was rewarded with an incredible experience. I wondered if returning for my second Mom 2.0 would feel different.
Well, it did and it didn’t.
Just like last year, I met warm, lovely, inspiring women who were nothing but supportive. Just like last year, I swallowed my nerves and pushed myself out of my comfort zone. And just like last year, I fought off social exhaustion to make the most out of the 2 ½ days. I walked away with a lots of new friends and ideas.
But leaving the conference this time I had two very different takeaways.
During one session I listened to moguls Cindy Whitehead, Jill Smokler and Julie Clark discuss their experiences starting mega businesses. I have no illusion of starting such a business but these women were fascinating, and I loved hearing their stories. Toward the end of the session a woman in the audience questioned her ability to bring an item to market. Cindy said (I’m paraphrasing), “Stop saying ‘Why Me?’ Why not you?” In that moment my heart swelled. Yes! Why not me? It doesn’t matter if someone has a bigger following or is more successful (whatever that might mean). So what if it’s crowded? It doesn’t mean that I can’t also be successful.
Takeaway one: Our successes are not mutually exclusive. One person’s success doesn’t negate the possibility of another.
This leads me to takeaway two: Helping someone else succeed doesn’t lower the possibility of our own success. Mom 2.0 is filled with peoplewho only want to be helpful. I’d like to keep that helpful spirit going all year. So in the aftermath of Mom 2.0, I feel committed to these two ideals:
- If I have knowledge that can shorten your learning curve I’m happy to share what I know. Just ask.
- If you have a post that is special to you and want some help getting it out there, let me know. I’ll be happy to share it and spread the word. Again, just ask.
The theme of Mom 2.017 was RISE. I believe we can all rise together, like a family. This is a crowded space but still, there’s plenty of room for all of us.
See you next year!
by admin | May 13, 2017 | Dear Family Coach
Dear Family Coach: The time has come for my son to choose a college. He has it in his head that he wants to attend a small rural liberal arts college with limited offerings. My husband and I think this school would be a terrible fit for him. Should we allow him to make his own decision even if we think it’s a bad one? — Grad’s Mom and Dad
Dear Mom and Dad: While it may not seem like it, choosing a college isn’t as important as, say, solving global warming or world hunger. Somehow, American society has evolved to where the most important goal of a child’s first 18 years is to get into the very best college. And the concept of the very best college implies that there is one particular school that will guarantee your child happiness, prosperity and success. I don’t believe that fallacy.
There is no one college for your son. I guarantee there are a variety of good programs for him and that he can thrive regardless of his eventual decision. Maybe this rural college has few options in terms of majors. But maybe that same college has an amazing set of alumni who mentor future graduates in a wide variety of fields. Maybe that small college in the middle of nowhere fosters self-reliance and self-development more than some big city school. And maybe he will have more opportunity to shine at that school (the whole big fish in a small pond thing) than at a big school, where he might get lost in the abyss of talented young people.
Updated: Sat May 13, 2017
Source: Dear Family Coach
by admin | May 12, 2017 | Dear Family Coach
Dear Family Coach: My 13-year-old son has a mustache, and I cannot stand it. It’s more fuzzy than bushy, and it makes him look much older than he is. I’ve been begging him to shave it, but he refuses. Even some kids at school are harassing him and calling him Mustachio. How can I get him to shave it for his own good? — Mustachio’s Mom
Dear Mom: I think you are asking the wrong question. Don’t ask how you could make your son see the err in his facial hair ways. Instead, ask him what that mustache means to him. Here are the possible answers I predict.
The first answer is your son sees the hair, has no opinion about it and thus has no motivation to shave. If this is the case, you will only gnaw away at his self-esteem if you continue to push him to shave. Leave it alone.
Updated: Fri May 12, 2017
Source: Dear Family Coach
by admin | Apr 25, 2017 | Blog
Yup, that’s me in my pajamas out in daylight.*
In the days after giving birth to my first child I cried. Oh, yes, there were tons of tears. I cried because the pain of the episiotomy was unbearable. I cried because I couldn’t poop. And I cried because my life seemed foreign and totally out of my control. Then I cried because I didn’t fall in love with my baby instantly like it seemed everyone else did. I felt ashamed, not good enough and alone.
In the 13 years since I first became a parent I have realized that there are so many parenting realities that go unsaid. We don’t share what’s not pretty or unflattering. We often leave out the potentially embarrassing tidbits as well. Parents have to be perfect all the time, and it’s exhausting. Instead of hiding the not-so-awesome parts of parenting I’m challenging every parent to put their truth out there. And I’m going to get the ball rolling.
So, for my sake and for those who are suffering in silence I’m going to list my confessions. I’m sure a few parents will feel the need to tell me why I shouldn’t do this one or that one. Some parent will make me feel badly, too, for my choices. I’m asking us all to resist that urge. Instead send your confessions or share them with some of your friends. Consider it a public service.
Here are my Top 10 Mom Confessions:
1. I breastfed my two kids for 6 weeks and 4 months, respectively. I could post the reasons why I stopped breastfeeding but that would take away from my confession. I’m not apologizing for it.
2. About once per week when my daughter plays water polo at night my kids have Dairy Queen for dinner in the car.
3. I shave 1-2 times per week.
4. On average, I exercise once per week (if I’m lucky). Oh, and I use the term exercise loosely.
5. I wear my pajamas more than I wear real clothes. I change into them when get home even if it’s 4 o’clock in the afternoon.
6. I love Lean Cuisine. When I’m in no mood to cook, my kids eat it too.
7. My kids don’t bathe every day. And they never have.
8. I go upstairs to fold laundry as a good excuse to watch reality television away from my family.
9. I pay two lovely ladies to clean my house once every other week. Those women are like lifelines to my sanity.
10. I don’t want any more children. And I don’t feel sad about that anymore.
What’s your confession?
#Parenthoodconfession
* Ithought those pajamas were pants. I wrote about the mistake here.
