My friends Noel and Michelle and I like to celebrate our birthdays at the beach or out for lunch. This wasn’t possible so we put together a little social distance party for Michelle’ birthday this year.
My family, just like millions across the globe, has been in quarantine for 29 days. In the beginning I wrote a blog with a few suggestions for how parents can manage the time shuttered at home with kids. However, real life is a little different than aspiration. Here’s how it’s really been going at our house and what I’m doing to keep my head up.
I say yes to almost everything. Can I make a banana cake with peanut butter frosting? Can I take apart your old computer? Can I dye my hair? Can I shave it off? Can I watch more television? Can I play more video games? Yes, yes, yes. Yes, to anything that isn’t dangerous that can be construed as an activity or fun or relaxing or just time consuming.
I’ve lowered my expectations. My house isn’t clean. My kitchen is a disaster. A friend mentioned seeing a list of things to remember to clean around the house. I told her not to send me the list. I can’t handle more cleaning. The dishes pile up faster than I can blink. Staying above water is such a fine line. I’ve had to stop caring about the way my house typically looks. Letting go feels better than trying to live up to standards that feel not worth the effort right now.
Keeping my eyes on my own paper. I always tell parents to worry about what goes on in their own house and forget about how perfectly it all looks at the neighbor’s house. No one has it all together all the time. Now more than ever we have to remember this. We’ve all seen pictures on Instagram of gorgeous breads and perfectly cleaned linen closets. Some people are incredibly productive at this time. Others are hanging on by a thread. Some people are both. I can tell you no one is winning the quarantine. We are all just trying to survive.
Communicating the ugly feelings, to someone. I tend to keep things inside until I’ve had time to process and deal a bit. But this isn’t possible or even recommended when confined to quarters with other people during a traumatic experience. I’ve confided in friends and family when I’m on the edge. I also found a way to politely ask my husband for a little more support around the house when I need it. Talking and reaching out has helped me face another day with a little optimism.
I cry. Despite best efforts to keep it together, I cry. I cry for the people who are sick or caring for the sick. I cry because people are running out of food and money. I cry because children are learning a horrible new normal. I cry because there is no end in sight. I cry because I’m overwhelmed and lost sometimes. I cry because I miss my friends and family and my old life. I cry because so much we have been looking forward to has been cancelled. I cry because I’m helping no one. I cry and I don’t feel bad about it.
Sunlight on my face literally feels like having my battery recharged. I know myself. I need nature to brighten my outlook on just about everything. Sitting in my back yard listening to birds and seeing butterflies and flowers makes me happy. If something will make me happy right now, I do it.
I make plans. Having something to do makes each day slightly different, in a good way. I made a date to play the ukulele with our old piano teacher. I made plans to make croissants from scratch with my sister and a friend. I met up virtually with two of my editors for a chat. I made a birthday cake for a friend and dropped it off at her house (from a distance). These activities shaped my days and gave me a purpose that I need so desperately right now.
I soak up the special moments. Even during a horrible pandemic, there can be joy. One day I sewed masks at the dining room table with my daughter while we binged Love is Blind. It was a welcome break from the bleakness of this time. I picked up my phone to memorialize the moment so when I look back and remember how hard this was, I will also remember how special it was to be home with my kids.
I make soup. Soup comforts me. Yesterday I made my great grandmother’s cabbage soup. My mom gave me the instructions, but I wasn’t sure it would taste like my hers. It came out just like I remembered from my childhood. Last week I made Matzoh ball soup. The week before it was pumpkin lentil. It’s the little things that help us get through. For me, it’s making soup.
I don’t care about school. I truly couldn’t care less what homework my kids are doing. They do their work, or they don’t. I don’t check. I have teenagers so I know this may not be possible for all families. But it works for us. Here are more of my thoughts about parenting teens and school during the quarantine.
I take space when I need it. There are times when I cannot be around anyone or I will burst. I’m a person who loves people and also loves a little alone time. There is very little alone time and that can get to me. So when I need it, I excuse myself and go to my room. I watch the Shahs of Sunset or I play Ruzzle (play me, I’m CatherinePEA) or I listen to a podcast. After a short time I’m ready for people again.